Why Do We Over Apologise?

(And How to Stop Saying Sorry for Existing)

I was in B&Q today, minding my own business, comparing paint colours, when an older woman practically leaned over me to grab something off the shelf. No “excuse me,” no acknowledgement that she’d stepped right into my space. And what did I do?

I apologised.

“Oh, sorry!”
As if I was the inconvenience. As if my presence, my space, my right to stand where I was needed to be justified.

It hit me afterwards, how automatic it was. How deep-rooted. And how familiar it is to so many of the women I coach.

Where Over-Apologising Comes From

Over-apologising isn’t actually about being polite. It’s about conditioning.

From an early age, many women are taught, explicitly or implicitly, to be agreeable, accommodating, and “nice.” We’re rewarded for being easy, quiet, and non-confrontational. And we internalise the message that our needs, our boundaries, even our presence, might be too much.

So we soften. We shrink. We apologise to keep the peace, to avoid conflict, to make others more comfortable, even if it makes us uncomfortable.

By the time we reach our 30’s 40’s or 50’s, this habit is often baked in. We apologise for speaking up. For asking questions. For needing rest. For taking up space in the supermarket queue or the workplace or a conversation. And all of it sends the same subtle message: “I don’t want to be a bother.”

But here’s the truth:

You are not a bother. You are not too much. You are allowed to exist without explanation.

What Over-Apologising Really Does

When we constantly say sorry for things that don’t require an apology, we chip away at our own sense of worth.

We teach others that we can be interrupted, overlooked, or dismissed. We teach ourselves that our comfort and needs come second. And we reinforce the belief that it’s safer to be invisible than to risk being labelled “difficult.”

This is especially common in midlife, when many women are already feeling less visible or heard. Over-apologising becomes a way to avoid confrontation, but it also keeps us small.

How to Break the Habit (Gently)

Like any pattern, this one takes time to unpick. But it can be unlearned—with awareness, kindness, and practice.

Here’s where to start:

1. Notice When You Say “Sorry”

Start becoming aware of when and why you’re apologising. Is it truly warranted? Or are you filling a silence or softening your presence?

2. Replace It With Something More Accurate

Instead of “Sorry I’m late,” try “Thank you for waiting.”
Instead of “Sorry for the mess,” try “Welcome to real life.”
Instead of “Sorry, can I just say” try “I’d like to add something.”

3. Pause Before You Speak

Take a breath. Ask yourself: Am I apologising because I’ve done something wrong or because I feel uncomfortable taking up space?

4. Build Boundaries That Honour You

You don’t owe access, agreement, or apologies for protecting your energy. Boundaries are not rude, they’re respectful.

5. Practice Taking Up Space

Physically, emotionally, energetically. Stand tall. Make eye contact. Speak clearly. You don’t need to be loud to be powerful, you just need to believe you have a right to be there.

You Deserve to Exist Unapologetically

There is nothing shameful about being kind, compassionate, or empathetic. But there’s a difference between kindness and self-erasure.

It’s okay to take up space. It’s okay to have needs. It’s okay to assert your boundaries, even in B&Q, even when someone else is acting entitled, especially when you feel tempted to shrink.

Let “sorry” be sacred, saved for when it’s truly needed. And let everything else be said with self-respect and strength.

Because you are not an inconvenience. You are allowed to be here.

I help women unlearn who they were told to be and become who they really are. If you’re ready to feel more confident, connected, and clear about what you want next, let’s talk.

Book your free 30-minute discovery call, no pressure, just a gentle space to explore what’s possible for you.