My Ex is an Abusive Narcissist

… But Are They Really. Or Is That Label Hiding Something Deeper?

It’s a phrase that echoes through coaching sessions, WhatsApp chats, and therapy rooms:

“My ex is a narcissist.”
“He love-bombed me, then ghosted me.”
“She gaslit me for years.”

And look some people do experience narcissistic abuse. It’s real. It’s traumatic. It’s serious.
But in the age of armchair psychology and TikTok diagnoses, the term “narcissist” has become shorthand for any ex who behaved badly.

Here’s the truth:

Only 1–5% of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a rare, diagnosable mental health condition. It’s not just someone who’s self-absorbed, emotionally unavailable, or incapable of apologising.

And while someone doesn’t need a formal diagnosis to be harmful, not every toxic relationship is the result of narcissism.

Let’s be honest, we’re a bit obsessed with labels these days.
It helps us make sense of chaos. It gives language to things that hurt.

But sometimes, labels become shields that stop us from looking deeper.
(That’s a whole other blog. Read here… You Don’t Need Another Label)

The thing is, when we call every difficult ex a ‘narcissist’, we risk:

• Diluting what narcissistic abuse really is

• Avoiding the deeper self-inquiry that leads to growth

If the same dynamic keeps happening, it’s time to look inward

If you’ve found yourself dating the same person in different clothes…

If you always feel like you’re chasing love, proving your worth, or walking on eggshells…
If relationships swing between intensity and insecurity...

Then it might be time to ask a harder question:

Why does this feel like love to me?

Attachment styles explain more than a diagnosis ever could

Our attachment style, shaped in childhood and shaped by early emotional experiences, is often the hidden driver behind who we’re drawn to and why.

• Anxiously attached individuals often seek closeness, validation, and emotional safety, but find themselves stuck in relationships with people who pull away.

• Avoidantly attached people may fear vulnerability and keep partners at arm’s length, sabotaging intimacy before it can take root.

• Disorganised attachment can mean a push-pull pattern of craving closeness but fearing it at the same time.

The truth is, we often gravitate toward what’s familiar… not what’s healthy.

So if love in childhood was unpredictable, conditional, or absent, that might feel normal in adulthood too.
We replay old wounds hoping, unconsciously, to finally heal them.

So what do you do if this sounds like you?

Start with self-compassion, not self-blame.
The patterns you’re carrying were likely formed long before you had any say in them.

But here’s the good news:
What was learned can be unlearned.
What was broken can be healed.

You don’t need to wait for a label or a diagnosis to validate your experience.
If it was hurtful, it was hurtful. That’s enough.

But the biggest breakthrough often comes not from understanding them, but from understanding yourself.

Not every ex is a narcissist.

But if you keep attracting people who lack empathy, can’t connect, or leave you questioning your worth… that’s not bad luck.

That’s a sign.

A sign that it’s time to heal, to reflect, and to rewrite the story.
Because when you do the inner work, you stop chasing intensity and start choosing reciprocity.

You stop falling into old patterns and start creating new ones.
And you stop needing someone else to change, because you finally have.