“I’m Fine.” And Other Lies Women Tell Themselves
The Hidden Cost of Pretending to Have It All Together
“I wear the mask of a businesswoman… but it’s not who I really am.”
When a client said this to me recently, I felt it in my bones.
Because I’ve worn that mask. And I see women wearing it everywhere, in meetings, on Instagram, at the school gates, and behind Zoom screens.
Women who look confident… but feel like they’re holding it together with Spanx and good lighting.
The psychology of performance stress
It’s often mis-diagnosed as anxiety; the overthinking, the tension, the second-guessing, the not-quite-breathing properly in your own life.
But in many cases, it’s not actually true anxiety.
It’s what psychologists call impression management… the attempt to control how others perceive us, often at the expense of authenticity.
Social psychologist Erving Goffman coined this in his work The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. He compared social interaction to theatre, where we perform roles to meet expectations.
In small doses, this is normal. We all adapt a little depending on the setting. But when the performance becomes your identity, the cost is high.
You don’t just walk into the room anymore.
You manage yourself. Your face. Your words. Your body language.
You’re not having conversations, you’re monitoring how you’re coming across.
That’s not confidence. That’s cortisol.
And over time, it’s emotionally and physically draining.
What the research says
Studies show that chronic self-monitoring can increase stress and reduce wellbeing. In fact:
A 2015 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that people who engage in high self-presentation are more likely to experience social anxiety and emotional exhaustion.
Neuroimaging studies show that pretending to be someone you’re not activates brain regions associated with threat detection, especially when there’s a risk of judgment or rejection.
Women, in particular, are socialised to self-silence and conform to external standards. According to research from the Harvard Business Review, women in leadership roles often face "identity conflict"… feeling torn between authenticity and expectations.
In other words: it’s not in your head.
It’s in your nervous system.
And it’s not a sign of weakness… it’s a response to chronic performance pressure.
Why women are so prone to this…
Because as young girls, we were raised to be likeable, polite, and pleasing.
Because we saw our mothers silence themselves.
Because we were taught to “dress for the job you want,” but never told what to do if the outfit doesn’t fit.
So we learn to play roles.
The “together” mum
The “ambitious” entrepreneur
The “chill” partner
The “grateful” woman who doesn’t ask for more
And when the real you doesn’t match the role?
You perform.
You overthink.
You spiral.
Not because you’re a fraud, but because you’ve been taught that being you isn’t enough.
What happens when you drop the act
This isn’t about showing up in your slippers and oversharing on the internet (please don’t, we all see enough of that!).
It’s about letting your inner and outer worlds match.
It’s about becoming congruent.
And that congruence, what psychologists call ‘self-concept clarity’, has been shown to increase resilience, confidence, and life satisfaction.
Here is what happens when you actually stop pretending:
Your energy returns
Your creativity flows
Your nervous system relaxes
You stop chasing confidence and start embodying it
Because true confidence doesn’t come from convincing others.
It comes from no longer needing to.
So how do you start?
This isn’t about bulldozing your way to “authenticity.”
It’s about getting curious, gently and honestly.
Start here:
1. Notice where you’re performing.
Where do you feel like you have to prove or protect something?
Who are you trying to be, and why?
2. Practice micro-honesty.
Tiny moments of truth-telling can change everything.
“I’m not sure.”
“This feels uncomfortable.”
“I actually don’t agree.”
3. Reconnect with your real self.
Not the one you’ve polished. The one you like being.
What lights her up? What makes her feel safe, alive, creative?
You don’t need more tips to look confident.
You need space and support to feel safe being fully yourself.
And when you do that?
he mask drops. The tension lifts.
And you realise, you were never the problem.
The performance was.
Want support with this work?
This is exactly what we explore in coaching:
No more performing. Just you, showing up honestly, and feeling safe to do so.
Let’s chat. Book a free 30-minute call and let’s see where you’re stuck and what’s possible.
